i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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