i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
