I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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