Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
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