This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
