I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
