chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
