Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
