my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
