i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
