I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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