I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
