I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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