I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
