He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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