i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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