He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
