He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
