I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
