Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
are you so shy because you have an std?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
