I faked an abortion last night.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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