i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
