it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
