I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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