"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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