I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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