4 words: hood of his car
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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