She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
