how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
