Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
