the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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