Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
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If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
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i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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