If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
