My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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