my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
