im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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