nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
