the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
