Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
