i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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