After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
