Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
