he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Houston, we have a squirter
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
