He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
