Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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