I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize