My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
