Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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