New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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