Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
