yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
