i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
