Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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