So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
