you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
