Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
