If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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