I met the friendliest cop last night
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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