she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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