Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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